1) I need to find a job. They are scarce everywhere, but in my small town, they are practically nonexistent. I will try, though. The lack of money has always been an issue for me. It affects my self-esteem, how people see and treat me. It affects every aspect of my life. So, this is priority #1 right now.
2)I will focus more on my writing. It is my passion and, other than when I'm with my children, it is when I am most happy. It is my goal, my hope, and my dream to see my name on the cover of a book.
3)Continue on my diet. Ten months after my baby was born and I am still trying to lose around 20lbs.
I need to ask myself the hard questions...Why do I have such low self-esteem? Why do I allow some people to mistreat me again and again? In a crowd of people, why do I always feel like everyone is thinking I am unattractive, ugly, boring, etc. I have to know where the feelings came from, so I can make them go away for good.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
Feeling Happy...
I do feel happy from time to time. My daughters make me happy. Seeing THEM happy, hearing them laugh, those are the things that bring me the most joy.
The other areas of my life are anything but a source of joy. My relationship with my current boyfriend is not healthy. He drinks, doesn't spend time with the baby, and I simply do not trust him to hold my secrets or the things we share sacred. I've always been a fairly private person, so this is a huge problem. I can't talk to him about my feelings or my dreams (especially my dreams, since now, they no longer include him). I have been hurt too many times, and I don't see things ever changing.
Money, or the lack thereof, has always been a source of stress. I haven't made good, productive decisions in the past. I have never worked hard enough and have always given up way too easily.
My self-esteem is nonexistent (which is why I always find myself in unhealthy relationships).
With all that, I still do feel joy every day, simply because I am the mom of the two most wonderful girls on the planet. They need me, they need a better life and I need to get it together and give it to them. They are my world, after all. They are my world.
The other areas of my life are anything but a source of joy. My relationship with my current boyfriend is not healthy. He drinks, doesn't spend time with the baby, and I simply do not trust him to hold my secrets or the things we share sacred. I've always been a fairly private person, so this is a huge problem. I can't talk to him about my feelings or my dreams (especially my dreams, since now, they no longer include him). I have been hurt too many times, and I don't see things ever changing.
Money, or the lack thereof, has always been a source of stress. I haven't made good, productive decisions in the past. I have never worked hard enough and have always given up way too easily.
My self-esteem is nonexistent (which is why I always find myself in unhealthy relationships).
With all that, I still do feel joy every day, simply because I am the mom of the two most wonderful girls on the planet. They need me, they need a better life and I need to get it together and give it to them. They are my world, after all. They are my world.
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