I do feel happy from time to time. My daughters make me happy. Seeing THEM happy, hearing them laugh, those are the things that bring me the most joy.
The other areas of my life are anything but a source of joy. My relationship with my current boyfriend is not healthy. He drinks, doesn't spend time with the baby, and I simply do not trust him to hold my secrets or the things we share sacred. I've always been a fairly private person, so this is a huge problem. I can't talk to him about my feelings or my dreams (especially my dreams, since now, they no longer include him). I have been hurt too many times, and I don't see things ever changing.
Money, or the lack thereof, has always been a source of stress. I haven't made good, productive decisions in the past. I have never worked hard enough and have always given up way too easily.
My self-esteem is nonexistent (which is why I always find myself in unhealthy relationships).
With all that, I still do feel joy every day, simply because I am the mom of the two most wonderful girls on the planet. They need me, they need a better life and I need to get it together and give it to them. They are my world, after all. They are my world.
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